[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
I'd be able to roll my Rs
when I sang the song.
I guess that's why
I'm not a REAL general.
They can probably all sing properly.
So, back to the trenches for me.
I guess this really is
my new job now: killing people.
Cleaning out grease traps--
YEAH! HOW DO YOU LIKE EARTH'S GRAVITY?!
Maybe the Air Force isn't in on
the same conspiracy to kill me.
That's what you're supposed to
do to signal rescue choppers, right?
Or maybe that's just in the south.
I know that's how they do it
in Florida and Louisiana.
When the hell did they have time
to plant a minefield around here anyway?
It must've been a rush job.
They probably didn't even make a map.
I'll bet anything those mines
aren't documented.
That means in 20 years, some
documentary maker's going to come here
and get his legs blown off
trying to film this place.
Here's to you, future dude.
[wall crumbling]
JESUS CHRIST!
THAT DEBRIS COULD'VE
TRIGGERED THE TRIPMINE!
CLEARLY WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
REGULAR MINES FOR THIS SIDE,
SO WE ADDED SOME EXPOSED ONES
NEXT TO FALLING RUBBLE!
BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BOMBED THIS PLACE
ENOUGH ALREADY, IS THAT THE IDEA?!
IS THERE A SQUIRREL UP THERE ON
THE ROOF OR SOMETHING?!
This could be payback...?!
I don't understand why
we have all these tripmines.
I guess the idea is if
an alien comes by here...
...we blow it up and
the side of a building.
Oh, this one's sneaky;
trying to trip me.
This must be how
old people feel about stairs...
Well, he didn't die from a mine;
he still has all his body parts attached.
WAAAAHHH! WAAAHHH!
WAAAAH-WOOH-WEEHH-WAAA!
WAAH...!
Oh my GOD, that was close!
Wait, is this that same sniper
from last night?
That guy is fucking evil!
He shot at me and practically
herded me into this tripmine here.
Why is this door to nowhere locked?!
Are they afraid people were
going to drive through here
and park on the minefield?
I guess that is a valid concern!
Well, I'm not walking through the
God-damned minefield so I've got a problem!
I'm not going to climb this ramp;
sniper'll pick me off for sure!
And this suit is still
blaze-fucking-orange!
I haven't been shot enough times
to wear all the paint off yet!
Looks like this door is my best chance,
even though I have no reason to
think it's unlocked.
I guess I'll just...
wing it if it doesn't work.
Yeah, that's kind of
where my life is right now,
where I know my best option
isn't going to work.
Okay, so let's go and NOT do this!
Yep, it's fucking locked.
Zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag,
zig-zig-zag-zagzagzigizz...
Hah...that could've gone worse.
Any day where you don't have your brains
painted against the wall isn't all bad.
Well, YOU know what I'm talking about.
Okay, surely a sniper
can't hit a moving target...
Yeah, I better stay out of there.
I didn't realize this
was a sniper preserve.
That must be what all the
landmines are for:
to keep them from wandering
into the residential areas.
It's for their own protection
just as much as ours.
then they'd snipe everything in
sight and run out of the bullets.
It would disrupt the ecosystem.
Oh, wow. Looks like I made the right call
not tiptoeing through the minefield.
I don't think I could jump
to that fence from here.
And, if they were smart--which is
a big "if"--but, if they were,
it would put the mines right at
the fence where I would land.
Okay, so what's the plan now?
Besides more sunburn?
I don't even have to be
Jackie Chan to do this one,
which is good for...obvious reasons.
Okay, so the aliens don't come
from a swamp planet,
but their gravity has to be
lower than ours.
That flier dropped off aliens
while it was two stories in the
air--just fucking free-falling.
Apparently, they saw no problem with that.
That's considered normal and
perfectly safe where they come from.
So, if I had made it passed the minefield,
then I would've had to climb through
barbed wire so I could be electrocuted.
Jesus, I don't think they
have to worry about
coyotes digging through the
trash around here.
And I'm sure that door is to a
room filled with candy and treasure,
but getting there is just not happening.
I bet the soldiers would put landmines on
the roof if they could. Just to be sure.
All right, this looks like my entrance.
...if I had an acetylene torch...
I still can't get over the
aliens jumping from that height.
Are the aliens bad at math?
I guess it's possible; they only have
three fingers and we have five.
Nobody believes me, but I think
we'd be farther along technologically
if we had six fingers on each hand.
I mean, for God's sake, the gene
for polydactyly is dominant.
I have no doubt that--
WHOA, what am I doing?
Not getting shot,
I think that's what I'm doing.
Yeah, there's people that give you
the evil eye, and then there's snipers.
But, yeah, I feel certain working with a
duodecimal system would make us better people.
I think we'd all be surprised how
many of our problems would be solved
if we all had twelve fingers.
Okay, this looks like my ticket.
Oh! We've got a live one.
Make any sudden movements and
I'm going to shoot you, okay?
SCIENTIST: You're heading for
the Lambda Complex, aren't you?
SCIENTIST: I was going there myself
until I wound up here and..
well...simply lost my nerve.
SCIENTIST: Take one look through
that door and you'll see what I mean.
SCIENTIST: I'm just going to wait out
the catastrophe in here!
SCIENTIST: If you intend to go on, then I
beg of you: proceed with extreme caution!
Man, if it's worse than what I've seen
it must be silverback gorillas
with flamethrowers.
Well, I'll be honest with you.
I was thinking about shooting
you just to be safe,
but I decided maybe killing scared unarmed
people doesn't make me the good guy.
So, if you're waiting here,
do you have a deck of cards, or what?
Oh, hey, how many fingers
do you have on your hands?